Author Topic: For no particular reason..  (Read 31056 times)

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #135 on: April 06, 2013, 03:04:25 PM »

The farmer and the deer. 

This is a wild and great story , especially for those who know even a little bit about deer.  As I remember from a forest ranger's presentation in HS that a deer's feet are his deadly weapons.  They are small, sharp and the deer jumps up and down on its enemies until they kill them.   This story is well worth the read.  I consider him lucky.

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

............
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #136 on: May 05, 2013, 07:54:55 AM »
You are hereby warned....

Beer contains hormones.

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones. Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

 

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

 

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

 

No further testing was considered necessary!

 

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #137 on: May 05, 2013, 10:35:13 AM »
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #138 on: May 24, 2013, 06:44:47 AM »
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.

"Yep." was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?!" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? "

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline rwcohen

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #139 on: May 24, 2013, 09:55:19 PM »

If you can put this puzzle together. You can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!
This is really clever and a bit challenging.  As we older people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.
It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease.
Give it a try. If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.
 Just remember, if you can put this puzzle together you do not have to fear Alzheimer's!
 A really neat puzzle!!
 CLICK BELOW:
http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf
 

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you.
Margaret Atwood

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
Oscar Levant

A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.
Morey Amsterdam

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #140 on: May 25, 2013, 06:55:35 AM »
Yep. First I had to take it apart. Winner winner winner. (At least for now)!
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #141 on: July 06, 2013, 07:48:16 AM »
Gotta love Medicare.
Read on.....

A Florida couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, and pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor asks, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.
I’m married; so we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving us a net cost of only $7.00.”

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #142 on: September 02, 2013, 08:25:54 AM »
Little Johnny


Norman and Barry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman 's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,
he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think ?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet ?' She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think ?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet ?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think ?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #143 on: September 22, 2013, 06:31:58 AM »
Little Johnny.

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy Dale said, "Alligator."
"Very good Dale, that's a big word."

The second boy Wayne said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Wayne. Very well done."

When Johnny was asked he said, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mother has one and she says it eats frigging batteries like there's no tomorrow."
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #144 on: October 17, 2013, 09:31:41 AM »


I do just do what I'm told...

 
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries,
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
 
(Making a mental note about this disgraceful request
so I could complain to my local police about this needless
Anti-Terrorist Security crap), I did just as she had instructed.
 
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided,
I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
 
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
 
.....
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #145 on: January 11, 2014, 07:38:48 AM »
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.   
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.   
He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.   
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. 

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #146 on: March 30, 2014, 07:08:24 PM »
Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and you make bad choices.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #147 on: August 10, 2014, 07:26:55 AM »
Gone fishing... In Mexico!
Has this ever happened to you!?
Easy come easy go.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGz-NIBZwEw
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #148 on: August 10, 2014, 09:40:37 AM »
Another one bites the dust. When will "Wing Suit" flyers ever learn....

http://safeshare.tv/w/kLlmcNCGBk
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #149 on: October 05, 2014, 09:24:36 AM »
Sex in the Shower

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of  Detroit 's and Chicago 's inner city residents  said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
 


The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

 

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