Author Topic: For no particular reason..  (Read 31086 times)

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #90 on: July 03, 2011, 09:04:00 AM »
Being an Islamic Terrorist is like being a Chinook Salmon...Life is good
'til the Seals show up!
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #91 on: July 17, 2011, 07:04:20 AM »
A little boy goes to his
Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
Me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
Family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care
Of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will
Consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
We will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
See if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
Off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
Hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby
Has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
To his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
He goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
Little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
About.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit.'
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #92 on: July 17, 2011, 11:10:16 AM »
A high school biology teacher is lecturing on whales. "Most whales eat plankton and small shrimp. That means they don't need teeth, and their throats are very small, too small to swallow anything larger than their normal food."

A girl in the class interrupts, "That's not true. Jonah spent three days in the belly of a whale."

The teacher replies, "It's just not physically possible. A man could not fit down the throat of a whale."

"How do you know? You weren't there," the girl retorts.

"No one was there except Jonah," the teacher tells her, "and we can't ask him to clarify his story, can we?"

"Sure we can, when we get to heaven," the girl replies confidently.

"How do you know Jonah is in heaven?" the teacher asks. "He may be in hell."

The girl gets very indignant and yells back, "Well then you can ask him!"
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #93 on: August 14, 2011, 09:26:46 AM »
Wal-Martians

http://www.youtube.com/v/6RzcvFLPg1A

By Dave Thomas
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #94 on: August 21, 2011, 10:45:38 AM »
A couple of hicks are eating at a restaurant when the woman at the next table starts choking. One of the hicks gets up and says to her, "Y'all chokin', ma'am?" She gasps and nods earnestly. "Kin y'all swaller that thar food?" he asks. She shakes her head as she starts to turn blue. The hick kneels next to her, hikes up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her butt. The shocked woman has a violent spasm and spits her food out halfway across the room.

As she coughs and and wheezes slumped in her chair, the hick goes back to his table. His friend says, "I heerd o' that thar 'Hind lick maneuver,' but I ain't never seed it."
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #95 on: August 27, 2011, 08:22:35 AM »
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

Statistics you might be interested in :

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American.
 :o
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #96 on: September 08, 2011, 01:23:59 PM »
A man goes into a bar and grill with an ostrich trailing behind him, and they both sit at a table. A waitress approaches with a great deal of trepidation, and lays a menu in front of the man without taking her eyes off the ostrich. "Something to drink?" she asks tentatively.

"A pint of Guinness, luv," the man responds in a chipper English accent. "I'll have the same!" the ostrich squawks.

The waitress just about jumps out of her skin when she hears the ostrich talk, but the Brit reassures her. "Don't worry about Lucy here. She'll do you no harm." "Right, I'll do you no harm!" the ostrich croaks.

The waitress backs away slowly and fetches the drinks. She places them on the table, again watching the ostrich warily, and asks, "Have you decided on lunch?"

"Fish and chips sounds smashing," the Brit says. "Brilliant! I'll have the same!" Lucy screeches.

The waitress enters the order and serves it shortly thereafter. "Anything else you need right now?" she asks. "Another round, luv," the Brit says. "Me, too!" Lucy shrieks.

After all is eaten and drunk, the waitress comes back to clear the table, a little bemused at this point. "Do you need another round?" she asks. "No, just the check, thanks," the Brit says. "Just the check!" Lucy caws.

The waitress drops the check, but before she can leave the Brit stops her. "Hang on, luv, I'll settle with you right now." He takes a quick glance at the bill, reaches into his pocket and drops a wad of bills and coins on the tray. "And there's 30% for your trouble," he tells her. "Right, 30%!" Lucy cackles.

The waitress counts the money, and sure enough it's exactly the amount of the bill plus 30%. "That's amazing! How did you do that? And what's the deal with this ostrich?"

The Brit smiles and shakes his head. "Alright, I'll tell you the story. A few weeks ago me mum passed, and I was at her house clearing out her belongings. I found an old oil lamp in her attic, and when I dusted it off, a genie appeared and told me he'd grant me three wishes, but I had to make them right there and then.

"I hated life in Britain. I had no job, no prospects, no friends, and after me mum died no family, so me first wish was to get a fresh start and live in the States with no hassle from the government. I never had a quid to me name, but I didn't want to ask for a million dollars because if I suddenly got rich, it would attract all sorts of attention I don't want. So I wished that anytime I had to pay for something, I could reach into me pocket and pull out enough to cover it, whether it's a round of drinks or a new car."

"Those were very wise wishes," the waitress says, clearly impressed. "So why did you wish for a talking ostrich?"

The Brit looks away and says, "Well, that wasn't quite what I wished for. I wished for a tall bird with long legs who would always be there for me and agree with everything I said."
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline Lorenzo

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #97 on: September 08, 2011, 01:36:56 PM »
A man goes into a bar and grill with an ostrich trailing behind him, and they both sit at a table. A waitress approaches with a great deal of trepidation, and lays a menu in front of the man without taking her eyes off the ostrich. "Something to drink?" she asks tentatively. . . .

The version I know involves a man, an ostrich and a cat.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #98 on: September 08, 2011, 03:45:44 PM »
Keep it G-rated.  :-X
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #99 on: October 23, 2011, 09:23:23 AM »
Beer and Ice Cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

From the School of Physics, University of Sydney
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #100 on: November 06, 2011, 03:30:55 PM »
A high school music director is rehearsing his orchestra, and getting more and more frustrated as they keep making the same mistakes over and over. Finally he stops them and says, "When a musician never improves no matter how much he practices, they hand him two sticks and make him a drummer. My problem is I can't make you all drummers."

The obviously offended drummer calls back, "And when he can't even handle drumming, they take one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #101 on: November 13, 2011, 08:58:10 AM »
I was washing my grapes in the office kitchenette.
The boss compliments my grapes, "wow, nice looking grapes!"
I say thanks, and say they are from Brazil.
She asks how I know they are from Brazil.
I couldn't just say "I read the label."  So, I take a grape, turn it bottom-up and said, "no hair on the bottom."
She had a quizzical look and was mumbling something about mold lookin like hair when I left the sink.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #102 on: November 14, 2011, 08:30:16 AM »
I took the wife to New Orleans for our anniversary last year. It was such a good time that I think I'll go back this year and pick her up.
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #103 on: November 14, 2011, 09:46:37 AM »
I am in NOLA report when I get back.
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline Foodgeek

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #104 on: November 15, 2011, 10:20:19 AM »
Food is my favorite.

 

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