Author Topic: For no particular reason..  (Read 31073 times)

Offline Foodgeek

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #30 on: January 10, 2011, 11:21:54 AM »
I'm not sure which is funnier, the joke or the fact that your mother forwarded it.

Or the fact that two married people keep up with each other on a message board using their new smart phones at home on a snow day.

Good point. We're not done playing with them yet.  :D
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Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #31 on: January 10, 2011, 02:46:36 PM »

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline Foodgeek

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #32 on: January 10, 2011, 04:10:34 PM »
The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Seriously, this is a joke?

I have passion, stability, excitement, intelligence, ambition and big tits. And I know more about food than probably anyone that you've ever met. And I'm an amazing cook. I can bring home the bacon and feed it to you in the most amazing ways that you've ever eaten pork belly in your life.

And I'm not joking about the big tits part. I have perfect tits. Just ask my husband.

And what do you have to offer?
Food is my favorite.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #33 on: January 10, 2011, 04:27:47 PM »
The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Seriously, this is a joke?

I have passion, stability, excitement, intelligence, ambition and big tits. And I know more about food than probably anyone that you've ever met. And I'm an amazing cook. I can bring home the bacon and feed it to you in the most amazing ways that you've ever eaten pork belly in your life.

And I'm not joking about the big tits part. I have perfect tits. Just ask my husband.

And what do you have to offer?

No offence intended. Guess I will mind my P's and Q's. thanks for pointing out what is "appropriate" to me. However, that is my sense of humor, and I did look at some of the previous posted jokes for content, and figured this one would fly. As to what I have to offer? Can't top what you have written, I can cook, I can clean and I am a Retired Marine, and at least I will try. I am not perfect and don't claim to be, if it's broke I will try to fix it, and if it ain't right I will try to make it right, some days it just takes a little longer, but I will stay on top of it till the task is complete. By your leave Ma'am!
« Last Edit: January 10, 2011, 04:39:33 PM by MadBob »
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline Girly

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #34 on: January 10, 2011, 04:31:54 PM »

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.


I've heard something similar before - still funny ;)

Offline rwcohen

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #35 on: January 10, 2011, 04:39:44 PM »

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.


I've heard something similar before - still funny ;)

Mind your P's and q's, why? Perfectly funny fowardable joke. Kinds describes my life.
A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you.
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Offline KoPP

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #36 on: January 10, 2011, 05:00:39 PM »
For me, I feel insulted. I had to wait until I was 20 to get a girlfriend with big tits.

This is the Atrium - I didn't think there was supposed to be many rules in here. Mike, do we need a room monitor?

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #37 on: January 10, 2011, 05:25:45 PM »


Mad Bob, you are the room monitor for the funny farm...

.
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline uOTPia Dweller

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #38 on: January 10, 2011, 05:49:59 PM »
My tits are pretty big too.
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Offline totm

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #39 on: January 10, 2011, 05:52:26 PM »
My tits are pretty big too.
And you look like Tom Cruise (except for the big tits, though I always found his nose too big). 
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Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #40 on: January 10, 2011, 05:54:02 PM »


Mad Bob, you are the room monitor for the funny farm...

.

Thanks for the promotion Mike! I am at the rooms service. Now hear this! I have one more thing to offer.
Freedom. For those who fought for it, Freedom has a taste the protected will never know.
MadBob USMC Ret.
This has been a Public Service announcement. And now, back to our regular programming....

Understanding Derivatives,  A Primer.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?


« Last Edit: January 10, 2011, 05:55:59 PM by MadBob »
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline rwcohen

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #41 on: January 10, 2011, 06:00:48 PM »
A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you.
Margaret Atwood

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
Oscar Levant

A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.
Morey Amsterdam

Offline Girly

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #42 on: January 10, 2011, 06:05:51 PM »
My tits are pretty big too.

Mine too - but at my age, they are seriously bruising up my knees.

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #43 on: January 10, 2011, 06:17:24 PM »


Mad Bob, you are the room monitor for the funny farm...

.

Thanks for the promotion Mike! I am at the rooms service. Now hear this! I have one more thing to offer.
Freedom. For those who fought for it, Freedom has a taste the protected will never know.
MadBob USMC Ret.
This has been a Public Service announcement. And now, back to our regular programming....

Understanding Derivatives,  A Primer.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand? 

Wow Bob, have I unleashed a giant ?    I think we need less moderation (except for spammers) and more posting about restaurants and food we cook.   And of course the horrible snow etc.....

.
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline uOTPia Dweller

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #44 on: January 10, 2011, 06:31:40 PM »


The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?




I understand that Clarence Dupnik and Slate just blamed you for Abe Lincoln's assassination.
Gospel of uOTPian dining http://scoopotp.com/author/joe-duffy/

 

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