Author Topic: For no particular reason..  (Read 31210 times)

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #75 on: February 05, 2011, 08:20:09 PM »
Things Got Ya Down?  Well Then, Consider These...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still Having a Bad Day?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.  No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?  STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.  God is good!

There now, Feeling Better?
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline Lorenzo

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #76 on: February 06, 2011, 09:43:57 AM »
The mention of a "Walkman" shows just how long this bit of Internet humor has been making the rounds.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #77 on: February 16, 2011, 05:04:27 PM »
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #78 on: February 20, 2011, 12:27:49 PM »
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

 Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

 A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

 Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

 Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

 A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

 When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

 Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #79 on: March 06, 2011, 09:08:14 AM »
A ship at sea is caught in a fierce storm and sinks. Before it goes down three passengers - an engineer, a chemist and an economist - manage to get onto a lifeboat. They survive a tough night, and the next morning find themselves washed ashore on a desert island.

They explore the island, but find precious little to eat. Then they discover some boxes of canned food from their ship that have also washed up. It's enough to keep them going for weeks, but they have no can opener.

The engineer says, "Well, a can opener is just a knife attached to a lever. We can find some quartz or other hard rock, sharpen an edge caveman-style, attach it to a couple of sticks with some vines, and give it a try."

The chemist says, "I don't think a rock will be strong enough to cut through steel, but if we soak the cans in some sea water for a day or two, it will corrode the cans and weaken them enough for the rock to work."

The economist says, "Okay, let's assume we have a can opener."
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #80 on: March 18, 2011, 02:38:33 PM »


Man sitting at home on the deck with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
 

....
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #81 on: April 03, 2011, 12:19:36 PM »
Disclamer: It is just a joke! snicker

A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #82 on: April 24, 2011, 02:44:58 PM »


Maybe this should be in the other section..   maybe not...   way funny, sounds like a few folks I know..



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZbE8ebQdwE&feature=player_embedded


.....

Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #83 on: May 03, 2011, 11:31:02 AM »
A New Age healer is giving a seminar on alternative medicine. At the conclusion of his talk, he is approached by a young man who says, "My father is quite ill, but he won't see a doctor. What can I do?"

The healer tells him, "Illness is a state of mind and spirit, not body. Your father is sick because he believes he is sick. When he comes to believe otherwise, he will be healed."

A few weeks later, the healer gives another seminar, and afterward he is approached by the same man. He greets the man warmly and asks, "So how is your father?"

"Even worse, I'm afraid," the man replies. "Now he believes he's dead."
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #84 on: June 05, 2011, 09:44:29 AM »
NASCAR Top 10

on the Kyle Bush/Richard Childress altercation in the garage after the truck race....

Busch's battles in every NASCAR national touring division have become regular occurrences over the last few years, but just what would lead a grandfather to take a swing at him? Check out the top-10 reasons below.

10. Because NASCAR officials would have really frowned upon Childress shooting him.
9. Childress wanted to give him some noogies, but Busch squirmed.
8. Heard Busch say the Childress Vineyards Cabernet Sauvignon tastes like something out of the New York sewer system.
7. To give Chocolate Myers even more reasons to talk endlessly about Richard Childress Racing daily on Sirius NASCAR Radio.
6. Childress wanted to hand out some citizen's justice for Busch's little 128 mph show on the road in North Carolina a couple weeks ago.
5. Just the start of Childress' systematic plan to take out all of RCR's Sprint Cup Series competition before the start of the Chase for the Championship.
4. Childress wanted to be one of the few people who can say after a Truck race that they beat Busch.
3. Busch lobbed a "after four hours seek medical attention" crack at Childress.
2. NASCAR wanted an attention grabbing way to introduce its new "Grandpa's Have At It" program.
1. Somebody spiked Childress' morning Ensure with Red Bull, got him all jacked up.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #85 on: June 12, 2011, 08:15:51 AM »
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #86 on: June 15, 2011, 09:13:03 AM »


Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French  and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss  and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Cheers

from:
Jim in Yellowknife

....
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #87 on: June 15, 2011, 11:18:20 AM »
Variation on that one:

Heaven is a British butler, a French chef, an American gardener and a Japanese wife.

Hell is a French butler, a British chef, a Japanese gardener and an American wife.
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline Lorenzo

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #88 on: June 15, 2011, 12:31:09 PM »
Notice that the only commonality is "British chef."

I hope Heston Blumenthal isn't reading this.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #89 on: June 19, 2011, 02:09:19 PM »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx5GbvQXJHI

Good girls shop, bad girls shop.
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

 

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