Author Topic: For no particular reason..  (Read 31059 times)

Offline MadBob

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Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #106 on: November 20, 2011, 08:05:46 AM »
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* A prison guard is shaving your head.

Or

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. 
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. 
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. 
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. 
I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. 
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. 
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!   
And more and more I think of the Here After .. Several times a day, in fact, I enter a room and think "What am I here after?"
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #107 on: November 21, 2011, 11:00:07 AM »

This is an actual job application submitted at a McDonald's restaurant. (It’s not clear if he was hired.)

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Reclining on my mom's couch.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, “'Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #108 on: November 21, 2011, 11:48:56 AM »
A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her wealthy parents. After dinner the father invites the fiance to have a drink in his study.

"So what do you do for a living?" the father asks.

"I'm a divinity student," the fiance answers.

"Interesting," the father says, "but not very lucrative. My daughter is used to the finer things in life: nice home, fine dining, trips abroad. How can you give her those things?"

"I graduate next year, and after that God will provide."

"I notice my daughter isn't wearing an engagement ring. Do you intend to give her one?"

"Perhaps after I start my career. God will provide."

"I know she wants children. Can you support a family on a minister's salary?"

"I've chosen a spiritual life. If God blesses us with children, He will provide for them."

After the young couple leaves, the mother asks, "What do you think of him?"

The father replies, "Well, he has no money, no job, and absolutely no idea how the world works. On the plus side, he thinks I'm God."
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #109 on: November 23, 2011, 08:27:04 AM »


Be sure to watch the video past the credits to get it!    8)
 

 



.....
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #110 on: December 04, 2011, 07:45:12 AM »
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.  Four worms were placed into four  separate jars.The first worm was put  into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a  container of chocolate syrup. The fourth  worm was put into a container of good, clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol  ...  Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke  ...  Dead. The third worm in chocolate syrup  ... Dead. The  fourth worm in good, clean soil  ...  Alive.  So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her  hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"  That  pretty much ended the service!!
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #111 on: December 10, 2011, 08:17:17 AM »
A Christmas Poem......

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow
     Buttered rum and mistletoe
     Christmas trees and hanging lights
     The sound of carolers fills the night
     
     Shopping hours long and hard
     Visa phones and cancels card
     Unpaid bills and mounting debts
     Family gathers; depressions sets
     
     Drinking starts, harsh words are said
     Dysfunction rears its yuletide head
     Argument turns to shovin'
     Drunken brother punches cousin
     
     Tree tips over, popping lights
     Curtains catch, house ignites
     No one hears the reindeer cries
     Wedged in chimney, Santa dies
     
     Though he kicked and did perspire
     His chestnuts roasted on an open fire.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #112 on: December 17, 2011, 02:20:44 PM »
A wino is shambling along some railroad tracks when he spots something in the weeds. He pulls out an old oil lamp and gives it a rub. Instantly a genie appears and says, "For freeing me I will grant you three wishes."

The wino holds up his empty bottle and says, "I wish this were full." The genie points at the bottle and within seconds it fills itself. The wino lifts it up to his eye, sniffs it and takes a sip. Sure enough it's his liquor of choice, and he takes a long swig. Afterward he holds it up in satisfaction, and watches in amazement as it refills itself.

"The bottle is now enchanted," the genie explains. "It will always refill itself no matter how much you drink. You still have two wishes left."

The wino gleefully replies, "I'll take two more of these!"
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #113 on: January 08, 2012, 08:31:58 AM »
Bar stools are like prostitutes. And if you think one belongs just to you, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.



Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #114 on: January 10, 2012, 06:44:41 PM »
A man tells his wife he's going out for cigarettes. Two hours later he's still not back, so she calls his cell phone. When he pick up, she yells, "Where the hell are you?"

The husband asks, "You remember that jewelry store on the north side of town? You saw a diamond necklace in the window a couple of years ago, and obsessed over it for weeks. You made me promise if I ever won the lottery, I'd buy it for you."

The wife hesitates a moment, then breathlessly says, "Yes, I remember."

The husband says, "Well, I'm at a bar across the street from there."
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #115 on: January 22, 2012, 09:03:16 AM »
You can cure ignorance with education but STUPIDITY is FOREVER!

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #116 on: January 30, 2012, 09:08:28 AM »
I went to a bookstore and asked for directions to the self-help section. The woman at the desk replied, "That would defeat the purpose."
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #117 on: January 30, 2012, 10:49:10 AM »


Today is the birthday of my good friend Lamar Thomas.  Happy Birthday Lamar.

....
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #118 on: February 04, 2012, 12:22:46 AM »


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a  big, old pecan tree just
 inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled  up a bucketful of nuts and
 sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began  dividing the nuts.
 
 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for  me,' said one boy. Several
 dropped and rolled down toward the  fence.
 
 Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he  passed, he
 thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down  to
 investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for  you, one for
 me...'
 
 He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his  bike and rode off. Just
 around the bend he met an old man with a cane,  hobbling along.
 
 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe  what I heard! Satan
 and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the  souls!'
 
 The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to  walk.' When
 the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the  cemetery.
 
 Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  One for you,
 one for me.'
 
 The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been  tellin' me the truth. Let's see
 if we can see the Lord...?
 
 Shaking  with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
 see  anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
 fence  tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
 
 At  last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
  those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...
 
 They say the old man had  the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on
 the bike passed him. 

....
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline The_Scientist

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #119 on: February 07, 2012, 10:31:24 AM »
Four veteran bear hunters bring along a newbie on one of their hunts. They arrive at their cabin just before sunset, and as they unload they regale each other with stories of their past hunts.

The newbie says, "You guys make bear hunting sound pretty hard and dangerous."

One of the vets replies, "It is. You'll see for yourself tomorrow. Nobody gets a bear on their first hunt."

The newbie says, "Oh yeah? I have a hundred bucks that says I can get one before daybreak. In fact, I have two hundred that says I can get two, but you guys have to gut and skin them." After they stop laughing, the vets agree to the bet, and the newbie heads off into the twilight.

A couple of hours later, the vets hear yelling from outside. One of them opens the cabin door, and the newbie spints past with a grizzly bear right behind him. The newbie make a full circle and runs out, slamming the door behind him. He yells through the door, "Okay, there's one! I'll go get the second while you guys gut and skin that one!"
"Crayons taste like purple" - Tardy the Turtle

 

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