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Other Non-culinary interests and conversation => Funny Farm => Topic started by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on December 01, 2009, 12:17:57 PM

Title: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on December 01, 2009, 12:17:57 PM


Except that I laughed at it...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE)

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Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: KoPP on December 09, 2009, 11:24:18 AM
Google "frosty the inappropriate snowman" - too much?
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Jmolinari on December 09, 2009, 11:54:55 AM
GG2, that's a classic, and i laugh every time.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 16, 2010, 02:26:22 PM
Hysteresis, that's the word i'm looking for!

I once had a friend that had her hysteresis removed without any anesthetic.  Ahhhhh those were the good old days.     :D
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Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 21, 2010, 03:19:15 PM
GG>-  I hope this is not unfair, all Blondes are not dumb...


Detective Test...

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.


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Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: LizR on February 09, 2010, 12:22:38 PM
My office just sent around an email announcing a "Valentine's Day Gift Sale" tomorrow in the lobby of our building. The flyer mentioned special Valentine'e items like chocolates, soap, lotion, jewelry, and, wait for it......., Tupperware.

Now that is just setting some poor guy up.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on February 20, 2010, 06:04:44 PM

A man walks out to  the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the  cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like  Frank."

Passenger:  'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all  the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are  always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was  a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could  golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a  Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an  amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer.. He  remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to  order and which fork to eat them with . . .  He could fix anything. Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he  could do everything  right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew  the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I  always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and  he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never  answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always  immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never  made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank  Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ..... I'm married to his fricking widow."


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Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on March 05, 2010, 04:15:52 PM

http://www.wwwdotcom.com/ (http://www.wwwdotcom.com/)


MwS]- It will be nice out tomorrow...

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Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: KoPP on June 02, 2010, 07:14:50 AM
I heard that Tipper is leaving Al because she found out that he invented porn on the internet...
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on June 16, 2010, 05:18:56 PM
<<Groaner>>


A fried egg sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender looks him up and down and then says;
 "Sorry we don't serve food here".

..
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: KoPP on June 24, 2010, 09:27:36 AM
http://www.27bslash6.com/slyseb.html
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on June 27, 2010, 08:50:02 AM
Reposting some old jokes from the board which must not be named.

Cation: a positively charged kitty.

Helium, curium and barium are the medical elements.  First a doctor tries to helium, then curium.  If he can't do either, he'll barium.

Why is cooking better than chemistry?  Chemists never get to lick the spoon.

How many moles in guacamole?  Avocado's number.

A proton walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender asks, "Are you sure you're 21?"  The proton says, "I'm positive."

A nuetron walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender brings it, and the neutron asks, "What do I owe you?"  The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on July 03, 2010, 07:35:22 PM
http://blogs.catster.com/the-cats-meow-a-cat-and-kitten-blog/lost-cat-email-exchange-an-exercise-in-malicious-compliance/2010/06/24/

This made me laugh out loud several times.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: AndyBoy on August 20, 2010, 09:06:31 AM
http://blogs.catster.com/the-cats-meow-a-cat-and-kitten-blog/lost-cat-email-exchange-an-exercise-in-malicious-compliance/2010/06/24/

This made me laugh out loud several times.

Check out this guys website, it will crack you up.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Minerva on August 20, 2010, 11:09:32 AM
I was laughing uncontrollably, to the point of actual tears. And I'm a cat lover.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on November 16, 2010, 11:46:49 AM
Man is out golfing with his minister.  On the first tee he hits a duck hook.  He says, "Shit!"  The minister says, "Hey, remember who your company is."

He finds his ball and hits his second shot into a bunker.  He says, "Shit!"  The minister says, "Hey, that's enough.  You don't want a giant lightning bolt to fall out of the sky, do you?"  They both chuckle.

The man dives into the bunker for his third shot and hits it over the green.  He says, "Shit!"  Immediately a lightning bolt strikes and kills the minister.  As the man stares in shock, a giant voice from the sky says, "Shit!"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on December 04, 2010, 06:24:36 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWZm9SfGgSU

Cliff Bostock posted this on CL's Omnivore page, but I thought it was funny enough to repost here.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: totm on December 16, 2010, 12:19:10 PM
I challenge any fellow baby boomer to not find at least a little humor in Chech & Chong's "Santa Claus and His Old Lady."  Cracked me up yesterday.  Got a co-worker chuckling today.  Then he says that it may be the only C & C song he knows.  I immediately had to hit the high notes of "I got a basetball (sic) jones.  Every night I go sleep with my basetball (sic)."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on December 17, 2010, 11:00:57 AM
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on January 08, 2011, 08:53:07 AM
Two men are wandering around a shopping mall looking lost when they run into each other.  One says to the other, "So what are you looking for?"  The other says, "My wife.  She said to meet her at the food court at three, but it's 3:30 and there's still no sign of her.  How about you?"  The first says, "I'm in the same boat, looking for my wife.  Hey, maybe we can team up and look for both of them at once.  What does your wife look like?"

The second man says, "Well, her name is Ursula, and she's Swedish.  She's 5' 7, 125 pounds, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she's wearing a bright red blouse with a plunging neckline and a gold lame miniskirt.  So what does your wife look like?"

"It doesn't matter," the first man says.  "Let's just look for your wife."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Larkemon on January 08, 2011, 09:34:03 AM
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. A man is still looking at his thumb
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Jmolinari on January 08, 2011, 01:13:15 PM
lulz...you said penis
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 08, 2011, 04:59:56 PM
lulz...you said penis


Which reminds me..  Jamo, when are you going to do a stuffed double bull penis..   what is the word......

Nasone  Penisone ?

I'll slice it and eat it with you if you do it?

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Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: KoPP on January 08, 2011, 05:13:53 PM
lulz...you said penis


Which reminds me..  Jamo, when are you going to do a stuffed double bull penis..   what is the word......

Nasone  Penisone ?

I'll slice it and eat it with you if you do it?

.
The scary thing is that there's a name for it.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Jmolinari on January 08, 2011, 09:09:21 PM
hah, no...GG's nephew or someone came up with the name...seems appropriate...
i don't have that on my "to make" list...sorry GG:)
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 10, 2011, 06:33:19 AM

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Foodgeek on January 10, 2011, 07:25:04 AM
My mother forwarded this to me via text message:

Sometimes . . . when you cry . . . no one sees your tears. . .
Sometimes . . . when you are in pain . . . no one sees your hurt . . .
Sometimes . . . when you are worried . . . no one sees your stress . . .
Sometimes . . . when you are happy . . . no one sees your smile . . .

But try masturbating in Walmart parking lot just one fucking time & see how much fucking attention you get.

Can you pick me up from the police station?
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on January 10, 2011, 08:16:46 AM
I'm not sure which is funnier, the joke or the fact that your mother forwarded it.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 10, 2011, 09:45:15 AM
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: totm on January 10, 2011, 10:02:54 AM
I'm not sure which is funnier, the joke or the fact that your mother forwarded it.

Or the fact that two married people keep up with each other on a message board using their new smart phones at home on a snow day.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Foodgeek on January 10, 2011, 11:21:54 AM
I'm not sure which is funnier, the joke or the fact that your mother forwarded it.

Or the fact that two married people keep up with each other on a message board using their new smart phones at home on a snow day.

Good point. We're not done playing with them yet.  :D
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 10, 2011, 02:46:36 PM

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Foodgeek on January 10, 2011, 04:10:34 PM
The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Seriously, this is a joke?

I have passion, stability, excitement, intelligence, ambition and big tits. And I know more about food than probably anyone that you've ever met. And I'm an amazing cook. I can bring home the bacon and feed it to you in the most amazing ways that you've ever eaten pork belly in your life.

And I'm not joking about the big tits part. I have perfect tits. Just ask my husband.

And what do you have to offer?
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 10, 2011, 04:27:47 PM
The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Seriously, this is a joke?

I have passion, stability, excitement, intelligence, ambition and big tits. And I know more about food than probably anyone that you've ever met. And I'm an amazing cook. I can bring home the bacon and feed it to you in the most amazing ways that you've ever eaten pork belly in your life.

And I'm not joking about the big tits part. I have perfect tits. Just ask my husband.

And what do you have to offer?

No offence intended. Guess I will mind my P's and Q's. thanks for pointing out what is "appropriate" to me. However, that is my sense of humor, and I did look at some of the previous posted jokes for content, and figured this one would fly. As to what I have to offer? Can't top what you have written, I can cook, I can clean and I am a Retired Marine, and at least I will try. I am not perfect and don't claim to be, if it's broke I will try to fix it, and if it ain't right I will try to make it right, some days it just takes a little longer, but I will stay on top of it till the task is complete. By your leave Ma'am!
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Girly on January 10, 2011, 04:31:54 PM

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.


I've heard something similar before - still funny ;)
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: rwcohen on January 10, 2011, 04:39:44 PM

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.


I've heard something similar before - still funny ;)

Mind your P's and q's, why? Perfectly funny fowardable joke. Kinds describes my life.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: KoPP on January 10, 2011, 05:00:39 PM
For me, I feel insulted. I had to wait until I was 20 to get a girlfriend with big tits.

This is the Atrium - I didn't think there was supposed to be many rules in here. Mike, do we need a room monitor?
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 10, 2011, 05:25:45 PM


Mad Bob, you are the room monitor for the funny farm...

.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: uOTPia Dweller on January 10, 2011, 05:49:59 PM
My tits are pretty big too.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: totm on January 10, 2011, 05:52:26 PM
My tits are pretty big too.
And you look like Tom Cruise (except for the big tits, though I always found his nose too big). 
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 10, 2011, 05:54:02 PM


Mad Bob, you are the room monitor for the funny farm...

.

Thanks for the promotion Mike! I am at the rooms service. Now hear this! I have one more thing to offer.
Freedom. For those who fought for it, Freedom has a taste the protected will never know.
MadBob USMC Ret.
This has been a Public Service announcement. And now, back to our regular programming....

Understanding Derivatives,  A Primer.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?


Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: rwcohen on January 10, 2011, 06:00:48 PM
My tits are pretty big too.
hmmm, maybe you need one of these....

http://hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Buy-A-Mans-Bra (http://hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Buy-A-Mans-Bra)
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Girly on January 10, 2011, 06:05:51 PM
My tits are pretty big too.

Mine too - but at my age, they are seriously bruising up my knees.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 10, 2011, 06:17:24 PM


Mad Bob, you are the room monitor for the funny farm...

.

Thanks for the promotion Mike! I am at the rooms service. Now hear this! I have one more thing to offer.
Freedom. For those who fought for it, Freedom has a taste the protected will never know.
MadBob USMC Ret.
This has been a Public Service announcement. And now, back to our regular programming....

Understanding Derivatives,  A Primer.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand? 

Wow Bob, have I unleashed a giant ?    I think we need less moderation (except for spammers) and more posting about restaurants and food we cook.   And of course the horrible snow etc.....

.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: uOTPia Dweller on January 10, 2011, 06:31:40 PM


The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?




I understand that Clarence Dupnik and Slate just blamed you for Abe Lincoln's assassination.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: KoPP on January 10, 2011, 06:38:14 PM
My tits are pretty big too.
Well, my girlfriend's were real.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 10, 2011, 06:50:10 PM
Mike,
I understand your last and therefor I have an

ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since
the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have
been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last
time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and
"The barbie is cancelled."

No worries about the snow cancelling the barbie operation in the ATL, witness the BGE in operation at 0200 by Mike in another thread.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: rwcohen on January 10, 2011, 07:09:05 PM
 
Quote

Wow Bob, have I unleashed a giant ?    I think we need less moderation (except for spammers) and more posting about restaurants and food we cook.   And of course the horrible snow etc......

Now, Mike, this is the Funny Farm room. I think it was a good choice. Of course, I'm still on antidepressants..................
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 10, 2011, 07:11:19 PM

Wow Bob, have I unleashed a giant ?    I think we need less moderation (except for spammers) and more posting about restaurants and food we cook.   And of course the horrible snow etc......

Quote

Now, Mike, this is the Funny Farm room. I think it was a good choice. Of course, I'm still on antidepressants..................

I wouldn't have nominated Bob if I didn't think he could handle an un-moderated board..   LOL

.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: LizR on January 10, 2011, 09:55:28 PM
The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Seriously, this is a joke?

I have passion, stability, excitement, intelligence, ambition and big tits. And I know more about food than probably anyone that you've ever met. And I'm an amazing cook. I can bring home the bacon and feed it to you in the most amazing ways that you've ever eaten pork belly in your life.

And I'm not joking about the big tits part. I have perfect tits. Just ask my husband.

And what do you have to offer?

Perhaps we need to lighten up a bit but I think I can understand a lot of everyone's points on this and don't mean to belabor it politically BUT - FG - substitue the gender pronouns, and "dick" for "tits" ( I am allowed to use slang for male sexual organs, right?), and maybe everyone will see the humor, or not, but to each his or her own!
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Jmolinari on January 10, 2011, 10:05:41 PM
wait, is FG seriously offended? i thought she was just kidding...
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: LizR on January 10, 2011, 10:30:14 PM
I thought of a better reply - "best of luck to you Sir".
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: uOTPia Dweller on January 10, 2011, 10:37:24 PM
( I am allowed to use slang for male sexual organs, right?), and maybe everyone will see the humor, or not, but to each his or her own!

I will safely assume you can and it won't faze anyone.

Conversely if a male used the slang for female genitalia, he would get slammed. But the double standard is nothing new.

As far as rules for the off-topic stuff, I'd hope the only rule would be consistency.

Off color jokes, x-rated jokes, politics--as long as it's not selective. Ultimately, I agree with GG upthread. We should focus more on the on-topic stuff.  
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: LizR on January 10, 2011, 11:20:19 PM
( I am allowed to use slang for male sexual organs, right?), and maybe everyone will see the humor, or not, but to each his or her own!

I will safely assume you can and it won't faze anyone.

Conversely if a male used the slang for female genitalia, he would get slammed. But the double standard is nothing new.

As far as rules for the off-topic stuff, I'd hope the only rule would be consistency.

Off color jokes, x-rated jokes, politics--as long as it's not selective. Ultimately, I agree with GG upthread. We should focus more on the on-topic stuff.  

Cal - there is no double standard on this board that I see, but there is a double standard in our society. I think that that is my point. I totally agree that almost anything is ok. But I think that for most women, referring to breasts as "tits" and implying that that is the only good thing about a woman may be not feel friendly. MB responded perfectly well and posted a couple of other funny things after that. But you do have to realize, as a father, that society makes a difference on how your girl or boy children will be treated in the long run. I know that you know that and that is all I'll say about it.

It is hard to know where to draw the line sometimes.I will leave it at this - anytime your hear a generalization about gender or a joke about it, consider how it would sound if the genders were reversed. It is really interesting. I don't think it is the men or males who are picked on in our lexicon, if you pay attention. What is your double-standard that you are subjected to?
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: uOTPia Dweller on January 10, 2011, 11:33:23 PM
( I am allowed to use slang for male sexual organs, right?), and maybe everyone will see the humor, or not, but to each his or her own!

I will safely assume you can and it won't faze anyone.

Conversely if a male used the slang for female genitalia, he would get slammed. But the double standard is nothing new.

As far as rules for the off-topic stuff, I'd hope the only rule would be consistency.

Off color jokes, x-rated jokes, politics--as long as it's not selective. Ultimately, I agree with GG upthread. We should focus more on the on-topic stuff.  

Cal - there is no double standard on this board that I see, but there is a double standard in our society.

I will admit that I am speculating, but I do believe on this board if somebody said the p-word or the c-word instead of dick, it may have drawn a reaction. But perhaps you are right and it would not have.

I do believe if somebody bragged about having a "perfect dick" and challenged one to ask his husband (or wife...or both), there may have been an objection, but perhaps you are right and it would not have.

I'd probably limit mine to PG-to-PG 13 double entendres and wouldn't personally initiate jokes involving religion, political bumper stickers on provocative topics, but all in all, as stated as long as one allows all or none rather than selective, I wouldn't sweat it.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: LizR on January 10, 2011, 11:45:42 PM
Me too. But you must admit that you like to stir things up, right? Totally fine with me . I like things spicy, and a lot of folks push things as well. More power to you and the board would be sadder without you. But I can still agree with Julia that that post was a bit odd. And MB has redeemed himself, so all is good in the neighborhood. Just wanted the menfolks to understand that "tits" may be the same as some less good feeling words about their own sexual parts.

And to be fair - I thought FG's post was a bit odd too! Aren't we all.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: KoPP on January 11, 2011, 07:38:42 AM
Me too. But you must admit that you like to stir things up, right? Totally fine with me . I like things spicy, and a lot of folks push things as well. More power to you and the board would be sadder without you. But I can still agree with Julia that that post was a bit odd. And MB has redeemed himself, so all is good in the neighborhood. Just wanted the menfolks to understand that "tits" may be the same as some less good feeling words about their own sexual parts.

And to be fair - I thought FG's post was a bit odd too! Aren't we all.

I guess I'm mostly worried about the PC that hit so hard so fast on the 'other' board. I don't think any joke was directly or indirectly pointed at anyone (except for my comment about Cal - I apologize if he was offended), and all they are are jokes. Nothing I've seen was particularly raunchy (especially compared to SNL), and it is the Atrium, where the unmoderated stuff is supposed to go.

I guess that if folks are offended about stuff in the regular side of the board, it should be dealt with fairly quickly (and has been before). If there's a problem in the Atrium, I'd be more inclined to say don't read it.

And Mikey's right - efforts on the real side of the board are more pertinent.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: LizR on January 11, 2011, 07:51:49 AM
Yep. Sorry I even participated, just couldn't resist.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: KoPP on January 11, 2011, 08:16:09 AM
No need for apology as far as I'm concerned. I'd hate to think that folks can't speak their minds. I guess I've been trying to take most things less seriously nowadays and try to ignore the thorns... ;D
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Foodgeek on January 11, 2011, 08:37:28 AM
Wow. Just woke up and realized what a storm I apparently brewed.

Just to clarify: I am not offended by any words, whatsoever. I am not even offended by the "c" word, though I won't use it here because I am sure there are others who are.

I thought the joke was misogynistic, as Liz guessed, and it ticked me off a bit, but I'm over it now. I thought the implication was that "women aren't worth getting to know for their brains or their emotions or anything, so you might as well just get one who looks nice and who'll shut up while you do what you want to her."

It's OK. Lots of men feel that way and I'm sure it's very funny, from a certain perspective. I'm married to a man who likes me for more than my tits. He almost never motorboats them or anything. What a waste, eh Cal?  :D

Sorry about the ruckus. Carry on.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: totm on January 11, 2011, 08:45:01 AM
Wow. Just woke up and realized what a storm I apparently brewed.

It's OK. Lots of men feel that way and I'm sure it's very funny, from a certain perspective. I'm married to a man who likes me for more than my tits. He almost never motorboats them or anything. What a waste, eh Cal?  :D

Sorry about the ruckus. Carry on.
And now I'm having visions of InternationalCalDweller's head between FG breasts (better ladies).  And somehow Fungus and Moon are there egging him on.

BTW, this forum is NOT the Atrium.  And we should stop relating things on 285f to what was AtlantaCuisine.  Not only are the participants more level headed, so is the man in charge.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Girly on January 11, 2011, 08:48:20 AM
Well, I'm a chick and I wasn't offended. Then again, I was raised by a man and have lived with only men for most of my life ;) The word was very appropriate to the joke because the writer WAS making them the only focus of what he wanted in a woman. And the joke is an old one so it's not like someone was creating it here just to cause problems. 2cents

I too try to limit things to PG here but that dam was broken a few posts earlier with the "F" word, lol.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Larkemon on January 11, 2011, 09:02:42 AM

And now I'm having visions of InternationalCalDweller's head between FG breasts (better ladies).  And somehow Fungus and Moon are there egging him on.

BTW, this forum is NOT the Atrium.  And we should stop relating things on 285f to what was AtlantaCuisine.  Not only are the participants more level headed, so is the man in charge.

This thread is worthless with out pictures... ;) j/k
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 11, 2011, 09:56:19 AM
Being short and not to big around is not one of my attributes. To quote Popeye, "Oh, what am I? Some kind of barnicle on the dinghy of life? I yam what I yam and I yam what I yam that I yam"!
No inference is intended, anywhere.
Participation is expected and I know the lines that should not be crossed.
When the recipe calls for a tsp. of hot sauce, you can bet I will from time to time, add a Tbsp. of Habanero Tabasco! Some do like it hot but I don't think using a Ghost Pepper will be much to my liking either! Kind of like a backhanded compliment, it can be taken either way.
Trying to keep the levity sometimes is a fine line that may be toed over from time to time so sometimes stirring vs. shaking the pot is a better way to go. Less of a mess and less chance of getting burned, so to speak.
I am happy that I have been allowed into the 285F group and I will (try to) maintain a cool, calm demeanor (except for the occasional solar flareup), it is your world, and I am just living in it!
Thanks for having me along on this Culinary ride, I appreciate and look forward to maintaining a most excellent relationship with all on this board, and to quote LizR, " all is good in the neighborhood"!
And now that we have a well stocked pantry, to coin a phrase.... this is.... The Real Chow Baby!
Good Day
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 11, 2011, 10:40:12 AM
Well, I'm a chick and I wasn't offended. Then again, I was raised by a man and have lived with only men for most of my life ;) The word was very appropriate to the joke because the writer WAS making them the only focus of what he wanted in a woman. And the joke is an old one so it's not like someone was creating it here just to cause problems. 2cents

I too try to limit things to PG here but that dam was broken a few posts earlier with the "F" word, lol.

I don't mind if the dam spills over the top now and again, I just do not ever want this whole board turned into verbal garbage.

So have a few days off while we are all cooped up in the house and rant and rave but do not be surprised if I delete or modify posts so my grand kids can read my board.  they are 6, 9 and 12 years old..  Not that they read it every day or hang out here like some of us do, but you get my drift. 

.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: uOTPia Dweller on January 11, 2011, 10:59:47 AM
that dam was broken a few posts earlier with the "F" word, lol.

Please don't talk about the Flyers here. That will offend me.

I'm not a chick and while the joke marginalized men as narrow-minded breast obsessed neanderthals, I wasn't that offended.

Then again I was too busy updating my Adrian Barbeau fan site page.

What an actress!
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: LizR on January 11, 2011, 03:43:42 PM
Speaking of raunchy humor, anyone else watch Louie on FX? Now that guy has obviously been through a nasty divorce!! Definitely not politically correct, but I love a lot of his stuff about parenting. We watched it on Netflix or Hulu, don't remember which.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 12, 2011, 07:24:58 AM
Got Golf?
For you golfers...

http://www.youtube.com/user/Everyshotimaginable


Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: mikeamor on January 12, 2011, 07:44:51 AM
( I am allowed to use slang for male sexual organs, right?), and maybe everyone will see the humor, or not, but to each his or her own!

I will safely assume you can and it won't faze anyone.
Conversely if a male used the slang for female genitalia, he would get slammed. But the double standard is nothing new.
As far as rules for the off-topic stuff, I'd hope the only rule would be consistency.
Off color jokes, x-rated jokes, politics--as long as it's not selective. Ultimately, I agree with GG upthread. We should focus more on the on-topic stuff.  

Knockers up!
  -- Rusty Warren
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: mikeamor on January 12, 2011, 07:49:29 AM
Speaking of raunchy humor, anyone else watch Louie on FX? Now that guy has obviously been through a nasty divorce!! Definitely not politically correct, but I love a lot of his stuff about parenting. We watched it on Netflix or Hulu, don't remember which.
+5  
This guy is hi-lar-e-us!
The stuff he comes up with usually has us cringing and simultaneously laughing until we are red in the face.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on January 12, 2011, 12:35:03 PM
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 23, 2011, 08:48:00 AM
Two elderly people living in Apache Junction, he was a widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a
community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes,
I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her..

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you
say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 23, 2011, 12:42:51 PM
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
 
"Howdy, Stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and placed a big kiss on the horse's butt hole.  He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff, "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope...but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 30, 2011, 01:04:42 PM


This card made me laugh...

(http://aroundhere.net/Mike2/285Fpics/Mooshoopork22.jpg)

....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 05, 2011, 07:58:34 PM
Who ever lives in DeKalb or travels thru on the way to work should be wary...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xnWYx8YK8&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 05, 2011, 08:20:09 PM
Things Got Ya Down?  Well Then, Consider These...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still Having a Bad Day?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.  No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?  STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.  God is good!

There now, Feeling Better?
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Lorenzo on February 06, 2011, 09:43:57 AM
The mention of a "Walkman" shows just how long this bit of Internet humor has been making the rounds.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on February 16, 2011, 05:04:27 PM
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 20, 2011, 12:27:49 PM
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

 Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

 A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

 Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

 Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

 A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

 When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

 Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on March 06, 2011, 09:08:14 AM
A ship at sea is caught in a fierce storm and sinks. Before it goes down three passengers - an engineer, a chemist and an economist - manage to get onto a lifeboat. They survive a tough night, and the next morning find themselves washed ashore on a desert island.

They explore the island, but find precious little to eat. Then they discover some boxes of canned food from their ship that have also washed up. It's enough to keep them going for weeks, but they have no can opener.

The engineer says, "Well, a can opener is just a knife attached to a lever. We can find some quartz or other hard rock, sharpen an edge caveman-style, attach it to a couple of sticks with some vines, and give it a try."

The chemist says, "I don't think a rock will be strong enough to cut through steel, but if we soak the cans in some sea water for a day or two, it will corrode the cans and weaken them enough for the rock to work."

The economist says, "Okay, let's assume we have a can opener."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on March 18, 2011, 02:38:33 PM


Man sitting at home on the deck with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
 

....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on April 03, 2011, 12:19:36 PM
Disclamer: It is just a joke! snicker

A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on April 24, 2011, 02:44:58 PM


Maybe this should be in the other section..   maybe not...   way funny, sounds like a few folks I know..



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZbE8ebQdwE&feature=player_embedded (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZbE8ebQdwE&feature=player_embedded)


.....

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on May 03, 2011, 11:31:02 AM
A New Age healer is giving a seminar on alternative medicine. At the conclusion of his talk, he is approached by a young man who says, "My father is quite ill, but he won't see a doctor. What can I do?"

The healer tells him, "Illness is a state of mind and spirit, not body. Your father is sick because he believes he is sick. When he comes to believe otherwise, he will be healed."

A few weeks later, the healer gives another seminar, and afterward he is approached by the same man. He greets the man warmly and asks, "So how is your father?"

"Even worse, I'm afraid," the man replies. "Now he believes he's dead."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on June 05, 2011, 09:44:29 AM
NASCAR Top 10

on the Kyle Bush/Richard Childress altercation in the garage after the truck race....

Busch's battles in every NASCAR national touring division have become regular occurrences over the last few years, but just what would lead a grandfather to take a swing at him? Check out the top-10 reasons below.

10. Because NASCAR officials would have really frowned upon Childress shooting him.
9. Childress wanted to give him some noogies, but Busch squirmed.
8. Heard Busch say the Childress Vineyards Cabernet Sauvignon tastes like something out of the New York sewer system.
7. To give Chocolate Myers even more reasons to talk endlessly about Richard Childress Racing daily on Sirius NASCAR Radio.
6. Childress wanted to hand out some citizen's justice for Busch's little 128 mph show on the road in North Carolina a couple weeks ago.
5. Just the start of Childress' systematic plan to take out all of RCR's Sprint Cup Series competition before the start of the Chase for the Championship.
4. Childress wanted to be one of the few people who can say after a Truck race that they beat Busch.
3. Busch lobbed a "after four hours seek medical attention" crack at Childress.
2. NASCAR wanted an attention grabbing way to introduce its new "Grandpa's Have At It" program.
1. Somebody spiked Childress' morning Ensure with Red Bull, got him all jacked up.

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on June 12, 2011, 08:15:51 AM
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on June 15, 2011, 09:13:03 AM


Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French  and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss  and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Cheers

from:
Jim in Yellowknife

....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on June 15, 2011, 11:18:20 AM
Variation on that one:

Heaven is a British butler, a French chef, an American gardener and a Japanese wife.

Hell is a French butler, a British chef, a Japanese gardener and an American wife.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Lorenzo on June 15, 2011, 12:31:09 PM
Notice that the only commonality is "British chef."

I hope Heston Blumenthal isn't reading this.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on June 19, 2011, 02:09:19 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx5GbvQXJHI

Good girls shop, bad girls shop.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on July 03, 2011, 09:04:00 AM
Being an Islamic Terrorist is like being a Chinook Salmon...Life is good
'til the Seals show up!
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on July 17, 2011, 07:04:20 AM
A little boy goes to his
Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
Me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
Family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care
Of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will
Consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
We will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
See if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
Off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
Hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby
Has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
To his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
He goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
Little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
About.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit.'
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on July 17, 2011, 11:10:16 AM
A high school biology teacher is lecturing on whales. "Most whales eat plankton and small shrimp. That means they don't need teeth, and their throats are very small, too small to swallow anything larger than their normal food."

A girl in the class interrupts, "That's not true. Jonah spent three days in the belly of a whale."

The teacher replies, "It's just not physically possible. A man could not fit down the throat of a whale."

"How do you know? You weren't there," the girl retorts.

"No one was there except Jonah," the teacher tells her, "and we can't ask him to clarify his story, can we?"

"Sure we can, when we get to heaven," the girl replies confidently.

"How do you know Jonah is in heaven?" the teacher asks. "He may be in hell."

The girl gets very indignant and yells back, "Well then you can ask him!"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on August 14, 2011, 09:26:46 AM
Wal-Martians

http://www.youtube.com/v/6RzcvFLPg1A

By Dave Thomas
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on August 21, 2011, 10:45:38 AM
A couple of hicks are eating at a restaurant when the woman at the next table starts choking. One of the hicks gets up and says to her, "Y'all chokin', ma'am?" She gasps and nods earnestly. "Kin y'all swaller that thar food?" he asks. She shakes her head as she starts to turn blue. The hick kneels next to her, hikes up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her butt. The shocked woman has a violent spasm and spits her food out halfway across the room.

As she coughs and and wheezes slumped in her chair, the hick goes back to his table. His friend says, "I heerd o' that thar 'Hind lick maneuver,' but I ain't never seed it."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on August 27, 2011, 08:22:35 AM
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

Statistics you might be interested in :

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American.
 :o
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on September 08, 2011, 01:23:59 PM
A man goes into a bar and grill with an ostrich trailing behind him, and they both sit at a table. A waitress approaches with a great deal of trepidation, and lays a menu in front of the man without taking her eyes off the ostrich. "Something to drink?" she asks tentatively.

"A pint of Guinness, luv," the man responds in a chipper English accent. "I'll have the same!" the ostrich squawks.

The waitress just about jumps out of her skin when she hears the ostrich talk, but the Brit reassures her. "Don't worry about Lucy here. She'll do you no harm." "Right, I'll do you no harm!" the ostrich croaks.

The waitress backs away slowly and fetches the drinks. She places them on the table, again watching the ostrich warily, and asks, "Have you decided on lunch?"

"Fish and chips sounds smashing," the Brit says. "Brilliant! I'll have the same!" Lucy screeches.

The waitress enters the order and serves it shortly thereafter. "Anything else you need right now?" she asks. "Another round, luv," the Brit says. "Me, too!" Lucy shrieks.

After all is eaten and drunk, the waitress comes back to clear the table, a little bemused at this point. "Do you need another round?" she asks. "No, just the check, thanks," the Brit says. "Just the check!" Lucy caws.

The waitress drops the check, but before she can leave the Brit stops her. "Hang on, luv, I'll settle with you right now." He takes a quick glance at the bill, reaches into his pocket and drops a wad of bills and coins on the tray. "And there's 30% for your trouble," he tells her. "Right, 30%!" Lucy cackles.

The waitress counts the money, and sure enough it's exactly the amount of the bill plus 30%. "That's amazing! How did you do that? And what's the deal with this ostrich?"

The Brit smiles and shakes his head. "Alright, I'll tell you the story. A few weeks ago me mum passed, and I was at her house clearing out her belongings. I found an old oil lamp in her attic, and when I dusted it off, a genie appeared and told me he'd grant me three wishes, but I had to make them right there and then.

"I hated life in Britain. I had no job, no prospects, no friends, and after me mum died no family, so me first wish was to get a fresh start and live in the States with no hassle from the government. I never had a quid to me name, but I didn't want to ask for a million dollars because if I suddenly got rich, it would attract all sorts of attention I don't want. So I wished that anytime I had to pay for something, I could reach into me pocket and pull out enough to cover it, whether it's a round of drinks or a new car."

"Those were very wise wishes," the waitress says, clearly impressed. "So why did you wish for a talking ostrich?"

The Brit looks away and says, "Well, that wasn't quite what I wished for. I wished for a tall bird with long legs who would always be there for me and agree with everything I said."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Lorenzo on September 08, 2011, 01:36:56 PM
A man goes into a bar and grill with an ostrich trailing behind him, and they both sit at a table. A waitress approaches with a great deal of trepidation, and lays a menu in front of the man without taking her eyes off the ostrich. "Something to drink?" she asks tentatively. . . .

The version I know involves a man, an ostrich and a cat.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on September 08, 2011, 03:45:44 PM
Keep it G-rated.  :-X
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on October 23, 2011, 09:23:23 AM
Beer and Ice Cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

From the School of Physics, University of Sydney
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on November 06, 2011, 03:30:55 PM
A high school music director is rehearsing his orchestra, and getting more and more frustrated as they keep making the same mistakes over and over. Finally he stops them and says, "When a musician never improves no matter how much he practices, they hand him two sticks and make him a drummer. My problem is I can't make you all drummers."

The obviously offended drummer calls back, "And when he can't even handle drumming, they take one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on November 13, 2011, 08:58:10 AM
I was washing my grapes in the office kitchenette.
The boss compliments my grapes, "wow, nice looking grapes!"
I say thanks, and say they are from Brazil.
She asks how I know they are from Brazil.
I couldn't just say "I read the label."  So, I take a grape, turn it bottom-up and said, "no hair on the bottom."
She had a quizzical look and was mumbling something about mold lookin like hair when I left the sink.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on November 14, 2011, 08:30:16 AM
I took the wife to New Orleans for our anniversary last year. It was such a good time that I think I'll go back this year and pick her up.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on November 14, 2011, 09:46:37 AM
I am in NOLA report when I get back.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Foodgeek on November 15, 2011, 10:20:19 AM
http://www.theonion.com/video/celebrity-chef-ted-allen-cooks-his-favorite-preten,26571/

Sounds like my kind of fancy-ass recipe.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on November 20, 2011, 07:21:13 AM
http://www.theonion.com/video/celebrity-chef-ted-allen-cooks-his-favorite-preten,26571/

Sounds like my kind of fancy-ass recipe.

That was great!
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on November 20, 2011, 08:05:46 AM
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* A prison guard is shaving your head.

Or

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. 
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. 
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. 
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. 
I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. 
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. 
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!   
And more and more I think of the Here After .. Several times a day, in fact, I enter a room and think "What am I here after?"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on November 21, 2011, 11:00:07 AM

This is an actual job application submitted at a McDonald's restaurant. (It’s not clear if he was hired.)

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Reclining on my mom's couch.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, “'Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on November 21, 2011, 11:48:56 AM
A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her wealthy parents. After dinner the father invites the fiance to have a drink in his study.

"So what do you do for a living?" the father asks.

"I'm a divinity student," the fiance answers.

"Interesting," the father says, "but not very lucrative. My daughter is used to the finer things in life: nice home, fine dining, trips abroad. How can you give her those things?"

"I graduate next year, and after that God will provide."

"I notice my daughter isn't wearing an engagement ring. Do you intend to give her one?"

"Perhaps after I start my career. God will provide."

"I know she wants children. Can you support a family on a minister's salary?"

"I've chosen a spiritual life. If God blesses us with children, He will provide for them."

After the young couple leaves, the mother asks, "What do you think of him?"

The father replies, "Well, he has no money, no job, and absolutely no idea how the world works. On the plus side, he thinks I'm God."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on November 23, 2011, 08:27:04 AM


Be sure to watch the video past the credits to get it!    8)
 

 
http://vimeo.com/25845008 (http://vimeo.com/25845008)


.....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on December 04, 2011, 07:45:12 AM
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.  Four worms were placed into four  separate jars.The first worm was put  into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a  container of chocolate syrup. The fourth  worm was put into a container of good, clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol  ...  Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke  ...  Dead. The third worm in chocolate syrup  ... Dead. The  fourth worm in good, clean soil  ...  Alive.  So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her  hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"  That  pretty much ended the service!!
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on December 10, 2011, 08:17:17 AM
A Christmas Poem......

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow
     Buttered rum and mistletoe
     Christmas trees and hanging lights
     The sound of carolers fills the night
     
     Shopping hours long and hard
     Visa phones and cancels card
     Unpaid bills and mounting debts
     Family gathers; depressions sets
     
     Drinking starts, harsh words are said
     Dysfunction rears its yuletide head
     Argument turns to shovin'
     Drunken brother punches cousin
     
     Tree tips over, popping lights
     Curtains catch, house ignites
     No one hears the reindeer cries
     Wedged in chimney, Santa dies
     
     Though he kicked and did perspire
     His chestnuts roasted on an open fire.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on December 17, 2011, 02:20:44 PM
A wino is shambling along some railroad tracks when he spots something in the weeds. He pulls out an old oil lamp and gives it a rub. Instantly a genie appears and says, "For freeing me I will grant you three wishes."

The wino holds up his empty bottle and says, "I wish this were full." The genie points at the bottle and within seconds it fills itself. The wino lifts it up to his eye, sniffs it and takes a sip. Sure enough it's his liquor of choice, and he takes a long swig. Afterward he holds it up in satisfaction, and watches in amazement as it refills itself.

"The bottle is now enchanted," the genie explains. "It will always refill itself no matter how much you drink. You still have two wishes left."

The wino gleefully replies, "I'll take two more of these!"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 08, 2012, 08:31:58 AM
Bar stools are like prostitutes. And if you think one belongs just to you, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.



Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on January 10, 2012, 06:44:41 PM
A man tells his wife he's going out for cigarettes. Two hours later he's still not back, so she calls his cell phone. When he pick up, she yells, "Where the hell are you?"

The husband asks, "You remember that jewelry store on the north side of town? You saw a diamond necklace in the window a couple of years ago, and obsessed over it for weeks. You made me promise if I ever won the lottery, I'd buy it for you."

The wife hesitates a moment, then breathlessly says, "Yes, I remember."

The husband says, "Well, I'm at a bar across the street from there."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 22, 2012, 09:03:16 AM
You can cure ignorance with education but STUPIDITY is FOREVER!

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on January 30, 2012, 09:08:28 AM
I went to a bookstore and asked for directions to the self-help section. The woman at the desk replied, "That would defeat the purpose."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on January 30, 2012, 10:49:10 AM


Today is the birthday of my good friend Lamar Thomas.  Happy Birthday Lamar.

....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on February 04, 2012, 12:22:46 AM


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a  big, old pecan tree just
 inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled  up a bucketful of nuts and
 sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began  dividing the nuts.
 
 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for  me,' said one boy. Several
 dropped and rolled down toward the  fence.
 
 Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he  passed, he
 thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down  to
 investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for  you, one for
 me...'
 
 He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his  bike and rode off. Just
 around the bend he met an old man with a cane,  hobbling along.
 
 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe  what I heard! Satan
 and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the  souls!'
 
 The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to  walk.' When
 the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the  cemetery.
 
 Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  One for you,
 one for me.'
 
 The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been  tellin' me the truth. Let's see
 if we can see the Lord...?
 
 Shaking  with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
 see  anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
 fence  tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
 
 At  last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
  those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...
 
 They say the old man had  the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on
 the bike passed him. 

....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on February 07, 2012, 10:31:24 AM
Four veteran bear hunters bring along a newbie on one of their hunts. They arrive at their cabin just before sunset, and as they unload they regale each other with stories of their past hunts.

The newbie says, "You guys make bear hunting sound pretty hard and dangerous."

One of the vets replies, "It is. You'll see for yourself tomorrow. Nobody gets a bear on their first hunt."

The newbie says, "Oh yeah? I have a hundred bucks that says I can get one before daybreak. In fact, I have two hundred that says I can get two, but you guys have to gut and skin them." After they stop laughing, the vets agree to the bet, and the newbie heads off into the twilight.

A couple of hours later, the vets hear yelling from outside. One of them opens the cabin door, and the newbie spints past with a grizzly bear right behind him. The newbie make a full circle and runs out, slamming the door behind him. He yells through the door, "Okay, there's one! I'll go get the second while you guys gut and skin that one!"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 12, 2012, 07:33:28 AM
Facebook problems in your home?

Caution: Some colorful verbage and descriptiveness. (After all, he IS a Dad).

Some viewing this can relate, I know we can.

http://www.wtvr.com/news/ktvi-father-shoots-daughters-computer-for-disrespectful-facebook-post-20120210,0,5687147.htmlstory
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 12, 2012, 07:41:42 AM
Lessee, I was going to put this in Atrium under Employment, but decided it was better off here.

Caution: Some Language....

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant... 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: The_Scientist on February 16, 2012, 10:39:36 PM
A physicist, a biologist and a chemist visit the ocean for the first time. The physicist is fascinated by the waves, and decides to get closer to study the fluid dynamics. He walks into the water until he disappears. The biologist is fascinated by the fish, seaweed and algae, and decides to get closer to study the ecosystem. He walks into the water until he disappears. The chemist stands on the beach and looks out at the water for several hours, then writes in his notebook, "Physicists and biologists are soluble in water."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on February 19, 2012, 09:50:49 AM


BREAKING:

CNN says nuclear attack by North Korea would not affect Whitney Houston coverage.

....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on February 20, 2012, 01:09:09 PM


I just got a phone call from my nieces coming back from the circus.  They were NOT able to get a bag of elephant or lion poop for my garden.  The took along a bag and everything, and I guess they asked for it, but someone told them it was for sale not for giving away.  So I got none.   The deer will run rampant in my smallish garden with no zoo-poo....

.....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: totm on February 21, 2012, 07:14:31 AM
I just got a phone call from my nieces coming back from the circus.  They were NOT able to get a bag of elephant or lion poop for my garden.  The took along a bag and everything, and I guess they asked for it, but someone told them it was for sale not for giving away.  So I got none.   The deer will run rampant in my smallish garden with no zoo-poo....
I've seen elephant poop for sale at Hastings.  I'm not surprised that RBB&B wants to make a few cents off their crap.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on March 04, 2012, 09:36:42 AM
I don't understand why strippers get mad when I tip with monopoly money, I mean.... are those real t*#s? I didn't think so.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on March 04, 2012, 09:37:29 AM
Client:  I’m sick & tired of being on probation!  I don’t want them coming to my house to do their damned searches.
Lawyer:  Well, you’ll be on probation and subject to searches until you get your fines and fees paid.
Client:  If they come to my house again to search, there’s going to be a fight.
Lawyer:  Do you know how many deputies it will take to kick your ass?
Client:  No.  How many?
Lawyer:  I don’t know.  But, I can assure that they will bring as many as it takes.  Now, the decision is yours.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on June 17, 2012, 08:33:42 AM
Here we go again:

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: rwcohen on August 27, 2012, 05:15:28 PM
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD... Read it all



1. U can't count your hair
2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out


Put your tongue back in fool.


10 Things I know about you...

1) U are reading this
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on September 12, 2012, 11:54:28 AM


 The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"
she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80 's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)




She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on December 24, 2012, 07:39:42 AM
Tired? Out of shape? Worried about how to lose those extra pounds you are acquiring for the Holidays?
 
Worry no longer. Get yourself a Tug Toner!
 
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jby0I-zLj9c

(I just pass them on)
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 03, 2013, 08:32:24 AM
Here it is.

WalMart People.... Set to music.
 
Skip the ad in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

Play it LOUD!
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghrDIQ-K8mg&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 09, 2013, 07:28:20 AM
For you folks who plan to use the "Beltline" for staying in shape, or while hiking or mountain biking or whatever!

http://gizmodo.com/5982916/how-could-anyone-not-want-a-product-called-the-strap-and-crap?popular=true
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 23, 2013, 07:43:22 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

  A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

  The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

  "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

  "That must've been scary," said the teacher.

  "It sure was," said the little girl.

  "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'DANG!*,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

  The teacher had to leave the room.

* Verbage changed to keep it friendly and family oriented.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on April 06, 2013, 03:04:25 PM

The farmer and the deer. 

This is a wild and great story , especially for those who know even a little bit about deer.  As I remember from a forest ranger's presentation in HS that a deer's feet are his deadly weapons.  They are small, sharp and the deer jumps up and down on its enemies until they kill them.   This story is well worth the read.  I consider him lucky.

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

............
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on May 05, 2013, 07:54:55 AM
You are hereby warned....

Beer contains hormones.

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones. Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

 

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

 

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

 

No further testing was considered necessary!

 

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on May 05, 2013, 10:35:13 AM
Beer-Beer Goggles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jsci--s8J48&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on May 24, 2013, 06:44:47 AM
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan.

"Yep." was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?!" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? "

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: rwcohen on May 24, 2013, 09:55:19 PM

If you can put this puzzle together. You can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!
This is really clever and a bit challenging.  As we older people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.
It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease.
Give it a try. If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.
 Just remember, if you can put this puzzle together you do not have to fear Alzheimer's!
 A really neat puzzle!!
 CLICK BELOW:
 http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf (http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf)
 

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on May 25, 2013, 06:55:35 AM
Yep. First I had to take it apart. Winner winner winner. (At least for now)!
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on July 06, 2013, 07:48:16 AM
Gotta love Medicare.
Read on.....

A Florida couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, and pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor asks, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.
I’m married; so we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving us a net cost of only $7.00.”

Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on September 02, 2013, 08:25:54 AM
Little Johnny


Norman and Barry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman 's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,
he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think ?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet ?' She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think ?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet ?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think ?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on September 22, 2013, 06:31:58 AM
Little Johnny.

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy Dale said, "Alligator."
"Very good Dale, that's a big word."

The second boy Wayne said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Wayne. Very well done."

When Johnny was asked he said, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mother has one and she says it eats frigging batteries like there's no tomorrow."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on October 17, 2013, 09:31:41 AM


I do just do what I'm told...

 
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries,
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
 
(Making a mental note about this disgraceful request
so I could complain to my local police about this needless
Anti-Terrorist Security crap), I did just as she had instructed.
 
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided,
I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
 
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
 
.....
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 11, 2014, 07:38:48 AM
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.   
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.   
He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.   
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. 

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on March 30, 2014, 07:08:24 PM
Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and you make bad choices.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on August 10, 2014, 07:26:55 AM
Gone fishing... In Mexico!
Has this ever happened to you!?
Easy come easy go.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGz-NIBZwEw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGz-NIBZwEw)
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on August 10, 2014, 09:40:37 AM
Another one bites the dust. When will "Wing Suit" flyers ever learn....

http://safeshare.tv/w/kLlmcNCGBk
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on October 05, 2014, 09:24:36 AM
Sex in the Shower

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of  Detroit 's and Chicago 's inner city residents  said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
 


The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: Mike GadgetGeek Stock on November 07, 2014, 05:11:52 PM


Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from Arkansas, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

............
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on November 25, 2014, 06:59:15 AM
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.  Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

The next day at the Gwinnet County, GA, courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.  The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.  He explained, "As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around," he stated.  Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.  “Guess I was really into it, y'know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.  “It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin!”  Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'  He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘A pumpkin?  Shit! Is it midnight already?'”

Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00, and sent on his way. 
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on November 26, 2014, 06:12:34 AM
Grandma's Invitation
                                       
Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.

Not 2:15.

Not 2:05.

Two. 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma.
 
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on November 28, 2014, 08:20:50 AM
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of  breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 03, 2015, 07:06:38 AM
One More Thing:

"Now let me see if I have this right.  The family situation is so unstable, 'Junior' doesn't even know where to send a Father's Day card.  There's no guidance or discipline in the home.
   
Junior gets dumped into the education system where he is socially promoted because the overwhelmed school district can't deal with the undisciplined whelp.  Junior's major formative influences are 'gangsta' rap videos and a corresponding peer group of gangsta wannabes.

 At age 18, Junior is turned loose on society carrying a bad attitude, a broken compass and little respect for authority.  Junior gets himself in big trouble with the law and meets dire consequences.
   
Then, the situational diagnosis is that the police need more training and understanding?

Pardon me for asking, but do you really believe that bullshit?"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on January 11, 2015, 08:41:31 AM
Crab Department:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ...  so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1.  Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2.  Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on March 22, 2015, 07:24:30 AM
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on April 19, 2015, 07:49:06 AM
SHE TRIED

 
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven," said God.
The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on May 08, 2016, 08:30:33 AM
You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young blond woman's surgery, and talking with her in the recovery room.
"But", she asked with a slight struggle, "how long will it be before I and my husband  are able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The young lady was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine...   It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on May 15, 2016, 09:24:57 AM
Thank you Jimmy Kimmel

 Http://www.ebaumsworld.com/media/embed/84870597 (http://Http://www.ebaumsworld.com/media/embed/84870597)
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on June 26, 2016, 07:35:51 AM
If I have 10 pieces of bacon,and you took 4, what would you have?
Yes, that's right. You'd have a black eye and a bruised hand.
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on July 24, 2016, 08:31:44 AM
A little background music.... if you will!

Call a Marine
by Toby Keith

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWm_pEO27UA&feature=share&app=desktop (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWm_pEO27UA&feature=share&app=desktop)
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on December 11, 2016, 07:03:03 AM
Two crows were sitting on a telephone wire in Mosul when an F-18 went screaming by on full afterburner . . . one crow said to the other:
 
"MAN ALIVE! That bird sure was flying fast!"
 
The other crow said:  "Yeah, well if you had two assholes and they were both on fire, YOU'D FLY FAST TOO ! ! !"
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on December 11, 2016, 07:08:53 AM
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?” Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi? ”Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ”Third -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?" And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
 
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on February 22, 2017, 06:54:45 PM
Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he is to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.   

   there is a hush within the congregation. No one wants
   him to leave because he is so popular.
  Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota,
  stands up and proclaims : “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with
  a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to
  transport their children!”

  The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

  Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says “If
  the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and
  establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
  children!”

  More sighs and loud applause.

  Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile : “If the
  rabbi stays, I will give him sex.”

  There is total silence.

  The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and
  holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

  Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
  forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
  side, while his wife replies:

  “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: “Fuck him!”
Title: Re: For no particular reason..
Post by: MadBob on April 01, 2017, 07:12:25 AM
“Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
― Betty White

Gotta Love Betty White!