Author Topic: For no particular reason..  (Read 22284 times)

Offline Mike GadgetGeek Stock

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #150 on: November 07, 2014, 05:11:52 PM »


Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from Arkansas, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

............
Finding offense where none is intended is a form of selfishness.

When facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do?

It's a poor craftsman that blames his tools.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #151 on: November 25, 2014, 06:59:15 AM »
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.  Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

The next day at the Gwinnet County, GA, courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.  The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.  He explained, "As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around," he stated.  Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.  “Guess I was really into it, y'know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.  “It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin!”  Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'  He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘A pumpkin?  Shit! Is it midnight already?'”

Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00, and sent on his way. 
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #152 on: November 26, 2014, 06:12:34 AM »
Grandma's Invitation
                                       
Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.

Not 2:15.

Not 2:05.

Two. 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma.
 
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #153 on: November 28, 2014, 08:20:50 AM »
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of  breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #154 on: January 03, 2015, 07:06:38 AM »
One More Thing:

"Now let me see if I have this right.  The family situation is so unstable, 'Junior' doesn't even know where to send a Father's Day card.  There's no guidance or discipline in the home.
   
Junior gets dumped into the education system where he is socially promoted because the overwhelmed school district can't deal with the undisciplined whelp.  Junior's major formative influences are 'gangsta' rap videos and a corresponding peer group of gangsta wannabes.

 At age 18, Junior is turned loose on society carrying a bad attitude, a broken compass and little respect for authority.  Junior gets himself in big trouble with the law and meets dire consequences.
   
Then, the situational diagnosis is that the police need more training and understanding?

Pardon me for asking, but do you really believe that bullshit?"
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #155 on: January 11, 2015, 08:41:31 AM »
Crab Department:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ...  so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1.  Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2.  Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #156 on: March 22, 2015, 07:24:30 AM »
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #157 on: April 19, 2015, 07:49:06 AM »
SHE TRIED

 
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven," said God.
The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #158 on: May 08, 2016, 08:30:33 AM »
You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young blond woman's surgery, and talking with her in the recovery room.
"But", she asked with a slight struggle, "how long will it be before I and my husband  are able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The young lady was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine...   It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out"
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #159 on: May 15, 2016, 09:24:57 AM »
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #160 on: June 26, 2016, 07:35:51 AM »
If I have 10 pieces of bacon,and you took 4, what would you have?
Yes, that's right. You'd have a black eye and a bruised hand.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #161 on: July 24, 2016, 08:31:44 AM »
A little background music.... if you will!

Call a Marine
by Toby Keith

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWm_pEO27UA&feature=share&app=desktop
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #162 on: December 11, 2016, 07:03:03 AM »
Two crows were sitting on a telephone wire in Mosul when an F-18 went screaming by on full afterburner . . . one crow said to the other:
 
"MAN ALIVE! That bird sure was flying fast!"
 
The other crow said:  "Yeah, well if you had two assholes and they were both on fire, YOU'D FLY FAST TOO ! ! !"
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #163 on: December 11, 2016, 07:08:53 AM »
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?” Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi? ”Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ”Third -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?" And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
 
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

Offline MadBob

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Re: For no particular reason..
« Reply #164 on: February 22, 2017, 06:54:45 PM »
Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he is to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.   

   there is a hush within the congregation. No one wants
   him to leave because he is so popular.
  Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota,
  stands up and proclaims : “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with
  a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to
  transport their children!”

  The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

  Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says “If
  the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and
  establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
  children!”

  More sighs and loud applause.

  Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile : “If the
  rabbi stays, I will give him sex.”

  There is total silence.

  The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and
  holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

  Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
  forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
  side, while his wife replies:

  “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: “Fuck him!”
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, who ties your shoelaces?

You can't do epic shit with basic people.

Beer is why I get up every afternoon.

 

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